Thursday, May 18, 2006

in/out

Out of odds with everything. Simple detachment. Trying to feel the passion. That I used to feel. Why do I go to "work" everyday. Does it...Did it ever...count?

Aasman mera, meri zameen, manzil khoyi khoyi...

The world is simply a heartbeat away, waiting for me. I dream of it often, of going out, and (pardon the cliche) making a difference. But truly yes. I do. Except it doesn't seem to work that way. What do I have to show for myself when I am no more... how many lives affected? and what happens in the meantime ... while I am alive? Does it have to be this way...this mundane existence of living each day exactly as the day before and after, and so watch the months and years pass by. Can I not change it, this boring repetitive pattern that I can see emerging and feel helpless to cut. Instead there is the hiding, brooding and feeling sorry about it all. The well-practised escape into the world of fiction where the characters can be whosoever one wants them to be, and one can visit the places, situations and lives that one imagined living. But then I am too young to let go. And therein lies the decision - to give in or to forge for what feels right, mental baggage notwithstanding. Time will tell. Till then, in suspension, I watch myself and my 'professional everyday life' balance faraway thoughts with the immediate necessities of the hour.

And then I read this via km's blog. And once again I find the blogworld amazingly comforting.

ps. aajke shudhu "aabol taabol" porar din :)
in translation : a day to read sukumar ray!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Mangoes, anyone?

Almost as if they read my mind! Now excuse me while I rush and order some by DHL :)

p.s. Oh and I don't agree about the best mangoes being found in Bombay, though :)

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

G blues.

When I was away from K, all I thought was how good it would be to finally live with him. Its been like that, and even better. But what I never thought about was how much I would miss my best friend. I realized how close I was to her and how much she meant only recently, and today is one of those days. When all I want is hot cup of tea, and to pour my useless rubbish in her ear. I am not so sure she would appreciate this reason for missing her but well, friends are mostly not choosers. Its rare that you can get along so well with a fellow worker and a fellow housemate; most times proximity pulls people apart. And inspite of experimental frustrations, fights and tears, I have realized that there is no one else I can turn to when I really need to, no one else apart from K who will never judge me for what I am. I miss those crazy days of working and coming home straight to the sofa and watching Law and Order with her, getting furious about the continuously blaring TV during work, and then getting so used to it that now I find it difficult to concentrate on reading a paper without the TV for company. I miss the long night rides in the "Red Baron" (my red Mitsubishi sports coupe) with her late at night, talking about everything and anything, the way my trips to the mall sucked up all her energy (which only Starbucks Caramel Macchiato could restore), and when we did buy clothes we almost had duplicates of everything causing quite a few people to think of us as an absurd pair. I so miss that tooth and gum smile, and more than anything else I miss the oh so sarcastic comments that had no shade of sentimentality in them ever, and always brought me back to myself with a bang. I really need some of those today. You know I miss you Motu, have fun in Montreal.